Hurting

Well, Xmas night I couldn't take it anymore. I left about 8pm and headed to the hospital. So, I get there walk up to the counter and within 10 minutes I am being taken back to a bed. I was pretty suprised to be taken back so soon. And, of course, glad.
So, I get situated, they come in and take blood for a HCG level, and get a IV ready to start. The nurse tells me I need to drink this huge cup of water for the US. No problem. I start drinking as fast as I can. Last time I went to the ER for a US, the nurse put the catheter in and then filled my bladder up his self. Ya, not a good thing to do. So, drink a bunch of water? Much better.

So, the US Tech comes in. I am bouncing on the bed because my bladder is filled to the brim. He first does a stomach US. I can see the screen at this point. I can see the baby at certain points, but I am still so early that a stomach US is to hard to see anything. So, he tells me he has to do a vaginal US. Which I expected, no big deal. Well, he turns the screen away so I can't see it. I had a friend there with me. When the US tech was done, I turned to her and asked if she could see a heartbeat. She told me he was going so fast that she couldn't tell for sure. And, of course, no one will tell you anything until the Dr comes in. When the nurse came by, I asked him if my blood results were back yet. I had a blood test at 14dpo and it was 105. Your #s are suppose to double every 24-48 hours. So, this is now 3 wks later. He comes back with the # and its only 917. HUH?? I knew right then, that no matter what the US showed, this was not good.

The Dr finally comes back in and said the US showed the baby to be 4wks 6 days. We were 6 wks 6 days. I know what this means. Not a good pregnancy. Miscarriage. Etc.. He tried to sugar coat it. When the nurse came back he was knew that I knew what was happening. He was pretty straight forward. I was then released to go back home.

I was finally able to get ahold of my IPs yesterday. Not a phone call I wanted to make. My IF is still holding on to hope that this is a viable pregnancy. I told my IM, that its not. This go is done. I went and had blood work done today to see what is happening with my #s. So, tomorrow I will know what lies ahead for this pregnancy. If I have to have a D&C or naturally miscarry. If I go the D&C route, this will be done, no more waiting or wondering. This naturally thing is hard on the soul. Seeing bits and pieces and wondering what the hell that is, if anything, is disturbing on so many levels. This really is a eye opener for what so many IMs have gone through.

I really have taken my fertility for granted. Living in my own little bubble. But, today is a rough day. My fuse is short. I am all sorts of emotional. Just a whirlwind of emotions.