Saturday, May 26, 2012

Taboo......Pregnancy and morals

Pregnancy stuff first.  Feeling good.  I think my MS issue the other day had to do with my vitamins.  I felt cruddy all day.  But, have felt good the last couple.  Just tired.  I went and bought some Preggy pops last night.
Also, I have been testing every few days still with HPTs.  I bought a gazillion IC when we started cycling.  (IC=Internet Cheapies, HPTs)  So, I finally broke the test.  LOL  That is when your test line is darker than your control line.  Here is a reference on how bad these tests are.  The first test was taken the same day my 15dpt FREDS were taken, that were posted earlier.  You saw how dark the FREDS were, and how light this one was.

So, yesterday I had a long conversation with Christophers Mom.  I get to see them in a week and a half!!  Very excited!!  Anyways, we were talking about the difference in my relationships with both TS IPs.  And, how I had a harder time with Christopher.  Today on my way to work, I was thinking more about it.   I think some of the difficulty stems from compensation.  I did my first TS for free.  It cost me to do that pregnancy.  Then I had compensation with Christopher.  Afterwards I had this feeling of guilt.  That I sold my child.  Yes, I know this is a super taboo subject.  But, thats what I am here for.  :)  So, I know I look at TS differently than some other surrogates.  Thats fine.  You can debate all you want about how this child was meant for other people, blah, blah, blah.  but, to Me, the bottom line comes down to this.  I took money to give away my biological child.  That really just makes me sad.    As much as I love surrogacy, I still feel this way.  I did nice things for myself though with that money.  I paid bills, and I bought myself a beautiful limited edition motorcycle.  Yes, I am taking compensation for this current surrogacy.  I will probably deal with the thoughts of guilt again.  I will try and do things for my family that we couldn't otherwise do.  Pay off a couple of bills, take the family to Paris, and hopefully get my husband started in a new business.  Or buy a piece of property.   

So, it really is a double edged sword.    The wonderful feelings of happiness in seeing a family devolop and sense of guilt. 

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