Monday, October 22, 2012

adoption regret?

What a beautiful day here!  Its overcast, dark, and rainy.  I love these days after a super hot summer.  Although by the end of winter, I will be wishing for sun.  LOL  Never happy.

So, things are still the same with my oldest.  I have had 2 texts with her since the beginning of July.  She was posting pictures on facebook of the baby.  Then a few weeks ago, she was posting that she was going to spend the weekend with her family.  This "family" is her bio-dad.  The one who denied she was even his until a few years ago, and only with a DNA test.  So, then all these pictures followed of her with her "family".  I think that was the straw that broke the camels back.  I have since blocked her on my facebook account.  She still shows to be "friends" with me, but I can no longer see anything she posts.  Its just getting to hurtful.  She will drive hours to go see him, but I am not even allowed her address?  WHAT?  So, yes, this is old news.  LOL

So, I have been having many questions regarding this.  I figured I would reach out to other Birth moms and see what their take is on this.  Am I suppose to live my life by what she deems appropriate?  How long am I suppose to be the bad guy?  I feel pissed that I am not able to do what I want with my life, etc...  Now, if this was Alex having a problem with surrogacy, it would be a totally different situation.  I would not pursue it, if she was having issues.

So, anyways, I contact this group.  Its a private group online.  You have to contact the admin, then they run your info through the group and make sure everyone is ok , and then give you clearance.  So, a few days go by after I contact her.  She sends me a link to their group with a long email.  It states that she doesn't know if I will be welcome, that I may be hit with many questions about how I could do surrogacy after doing adoption.  About how the members of this group are very anti-adoption, etc.....  So, I give this a few days of rest.  I was kind of taken back with this email.  I wanted to let this info settle in before I opened myself up to them.  I am in no way anti-adoption.  I do feel guilty about the adoption.  Just because I feel more like I sacrificed my child for my own survival.  I was the child of a 16 yr old, I knew that there was no way I would do this to either her or I.  So, adoption was the best thing.  No regrets!
So, I eventually passed on joining this group.  I sent the lady a email stating that I wouldn't be joining them and thank you, but I wasn't feeling like that was a good place for me.  She emailed me back stating that many of these women have since reunited with their children and are in a different place as I am.  I just let it go.  But, I wanted to say, Look lady!  My kid is 22 and this isn't something so new.  LOL  So, ya, still have questions.  I am really in a place where many people haven't been.  And, those that have, the children adopted are still very young. 

On the surrogacy front.  We got our PBO last week.  I think the guys were stressing that it wouldn't go through.  I wasn't worried.  The lawyer they are using is horrible.  If I see anyone contemplating using her, I will quickly tell them to go someone different.   One thing that I have found is that they had paperwork filed with the PBO to seal the records.  That was something new.  This is my 4th surrogacy.  This is the first time I have had the records sealed.  I don't like it.  I just get a bad feeling with it.  Some people won't get why it bothers me, but it does.  I just see sealing the records as trying to keep things a big secret.  Come on now.  This is 2 men I am carrying for.  Obviously they didn't have a egg between the 2 of them to create this baby.   So, the egg had to come from somewhere.  

Did my 1 hour GTT last week.  Drs office called me friday and said my #s came back elevated.  Usually when this happens, you do a 3 hour.  Not this time.  Drs office said they didn't want to mess around with a 3 hour.  Just going to refer me to a specialist/dietrician.  So, hopefully by today I will hear from them.  Since they called I have completely gone nuts.  Haha  I have tried reading so much stuff online about GD to see what I can/can't eat.   I might as well be reading chinese, because it isn't making much sense.  I need a idiots guide to GD.  LOL

Hope all is well!!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

:-) Dont worry - be Happy!